Not Settling for Less; Going for the Better




"I think the toughest thing to realise is that he isn't the earth and sky. That the one person who made you so comfortable, that you were willing to give up living for is not everything. That his quiet  reassurance was perhaps fake or maybe it was not but it still has stopped. It is hard to believe that the one person who felt most like home is not, and that you are not done finding the person to call home. The hardest of all these however is to accept that there is better. That even after finding everything, you have to move on and find something better than everything. It is the scariest, most heartbreaking process of all - accepting that life is about a continuous struggle to overcome disappointments and move on courageously with undiminished hope and confidence to get the better."

I wrote this a few weeks ago because it somehow mirrored what I was feeling at that particular time. I think I was probably going through my pictures when I saw something that sparked that writing. While going through it again, I was struck by how determinedly different I seemed. Here was I communicating that even after heartbreak, the hardest part of moving on is being scared you do not deserve better or that better will never find you because you already got better. I am saying though that it is okay to be scared, it is okay to think that but do not be so crushed that you do not move on. Letting go is an art and an act of faith. Too often we are told to glorify and praise those who stay and those who are still holding on. That is an amazing gift of endurance all on its own but we cannot make that the only quality you will need. We need to learn to also let go, to accept that this has served its purpose and it is now time to simply move on.

This principle applies in all forms of relationships especially friendships. You find a most amazing friend but you somehow find it impossible to let go even after they hurt you again and again and again because what could be better than this! Where do I find better?  A lot of times, well meaning friends will tell me I want too much, that I should lower my standards a bit; insisting that is the only way anyone could find someone agreeable. It is a belief system that tells you that you cannot find someone with your values, that you somehow have to lower them to eventually find someone, but it is a greater belief system that tells you to press on. It is one of intense faith and it is the one I truly hold.

You might be wondering if I am talking about compromising on how tall they are, what they look like, what they dress like etc. I am not talking about that at all. I  am saying that too often society tells us that we cannot find someone who will have all those values you hold dear - you want a friend who shares your faith in God, who believes in your principles, who will not cheat on you, who appreciates you for you and who expects the same level of devotion from you. Those should not be compromised, you deserve to find someone who will treat you right. Society somehow makes us believe we are demanding too much just because everywhere you turn there is someone doing it wrong, but the truth is the world is a big place and if there is a me then there should be someone who thinks that way too; I obviously cannot be the only me in this wide wise world. And yes, I will find them someday; the thing is not to lose hope and have faith and trudge on until they show up.

I am also saying though that when you seemingly find that person and they break a code or compromise on one of your values, it is scary to move on, to accept that maybe this is not the one. I am saying that while it is so hard to accept that there is better, there is actually better. Do not compromise on your values, do not hold on to relationships that keep on hurting you and most of all, do not give up hope that your standards can be met in a world that seems to have completely given up on standards. The truth is that it is indeed by not giving up that we contribute to insisting on the higher standards to make the world a better place. Maybe our scare, our struggle to overcome, the persistence not to accept defeat and to hanker after the better are the prize we have got to pay for that better!

WaleAyo.

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